Our Cats’ Annual Christmas List
Wednesday, January 14th, 2009By Todd De Haven
NOTE TO READERS: This column is out of sequence and should have appeared in December. I didn’t realize it wasn’t posted and inasmuch as this is my annual ”Christmas Column,” I apologize to all readers who were looking for it.
Dreading the process more every year, I finally figured the hour had come to compile our feline “children’s” Christmas list. Well, truth be told, it was more of an order from the boss than it was my figuring, as Fran announced, “Get the children’s Christmas lists….NOW!” Being the dutiful husband (not to mention one who is also more than casually familiar with the unpleasant consequences of angering an Italian wife), I called our cats together in the kitchen.
“Alright children,” I announced, “Get in here and let me know what you want for Christmas.” Being the mercenary little monsters most of them are, they came flying into the kitchen from all over the house. I knew they were in a hurry because I heard the sounds of lamps in the living room and pictures on the sideboard in the dining room crashing to the floor. Fran came flying out of the bedroom screaming “What is going on?” I rather dryly replied, “It’s only your little darlings getting into the Christmas spirit.” She responded with, “Well get in there and pick everything up!” I don’t know what got into me but for a split second, I actually contemplated saying something flippant. But when I saw in her eyes the look of one about to morph into, “The Unknown Widow of Ebeneezer Scrooge” a strange force made me reply, “Yes darling, as soon as I finish getting the children’s lists.” Maybe it was just my imagination that I heard her gruff reply of, “Then be quick about it, and stop putting so much coal on the fire!”
I sat down at the kitchen table with my pen and paper and turned to our youngest, Prince Felix the Terrible. Felix replied, ” Daddy, I want Santa to bring me some very fine sandpaper so I can hone my claws even sharper. I think it’s so funny when you sit straight up in the bed in the middle of the night with that painfully shocked look on your face when I start kneading on your leg.” I smilingly wrote down on my list, “Coal for Felix’s stocking.” Prince Oliver said he wanted boxing gloves so he could really box the ears off Jennifer, his sister. I wrote down “dental guard” as she’s always going to beat the heck out of him anyway. Jennifer for her part, asked for toys with which to play with Felix. I decided if she really wanted that, she also would be one needing not only the boxing gloves and a dental guard but some sandpaper as well. I made the appropriate notations on the list. Prince Winston the Huge was next and all he did was sing, “Food, Glorious Food” from the movie “Oliver” followed by, “More sir?” Now there’s a cat after my own heart.
Finally, up stepped King Weaver the First. Being the oldest and wisest, I expected better things from him and I wasn’t disappointed. Weaver just looked around at his siblings and said, “Don’t you think it would be nice if this year were we to make a donation to the Coal Fund and also to all of the little animals up at the Animal Adoption Center? Mommy and daddy have given us everything, yet there are so many adults and little children as well as dogs and cats who really need a warm place to stay, good nourishing food and maybe even a few presents for Christmas.” Well, that did it. With tears rolling down all of our cheeks we collectively agreed to donate what we could to these two very worthwhile organizations.
As the children were trotting from the kitchen, Winston turned back and hesitantly asked, “But we’ll still get a big Christmas dinner …….won’t we?” I assured him that they would.
On behalf of the Board of Directors of your Humane Society, our exemplary employees and our adored volunteers, along with of course, King Weaver the First, Crown Prince Winston the Huge, Princess Jennifer the Demure, Prince Oliver the Precious, Prince Felix the Terrible not to mention my adored wife Fran and of course yours truly; we wish each and everyone of you a most Blessed and Glorious Christmas. I therefore again close with Merry Christmas!…. to which Tiny Tim so appropriately adds, “…and may God Bless us, each and everyone!”